I was social this weekend.
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The dramatic pause was so you could all applause, just so you know.
Yesterday I went for lunch with friends, and was then invited to another friend's house for appetizers and games. Which is where our story begins ;)
My job was to bring the wine last night. So prior to heading to my friend's place I stopped by the store.
Before going any farther, I should probably clarify that I don't drink that much or very often. I can count on two fingers the number of times I have bought alcohol for myself. I enjoy a glass of wine, but when I drink it, it is always bought for me.
Which created quite the dilemma for myself last night. What bottle was I supposed to get?
So while wandering the aisles attempting to look like the pro I am not, a woman (and the only other customer in the store at that point), strikes up a conversation with me. She tells me about the vineyards she visited with her husband this summer, how her husband is working that night, and that she just needs a bottle of good white wine to curl up with. I smile, nod in feigned understanding, and finally state that I have no idea what I'm looking for.
After announcing that she used to always drink red wine until menopause hit last year and reds started to disagree with her, she helped me find something to bring to my gathering.
The man in the line-up after me told me I had picked well :)
Which brings me to this morning. How, I'm not quite sure, but I couldn't think of any other way to make the transition!
So I went to church today. Shocking, I know.
I realized something last week, which I shared with you guys, about how I have some baggage in my life when it comes to the whole church situation.
Mr. Charming and I had a talk this summer about dealing with issues. How people often only want to deal with symptoms of their problems, and not with the problem itself.
For example, I have come to realize I am an incredibly insecure person. And to be honest, I would much rather just have people affirm me and tell me they love me when I feel insecure. I don't want to actually work at working through the insecurity.
But I need to.
I have had a church experience that has left me guarded and at times (more often than I care to admit) cynical. I would much rather go to church but remain guarded, wary, and continue to distrust those around me until such a time as I find a "good" church.
But I can't do that.
Once the music started this morning I knew I was in for it. There was no avoiding God.
The second song we sang was "Our God" by Chris Tomlin. The second verse goes:
"Into the darkness You shine,
Out of the ashes we rise,
There's no one like You,
None like You."
I suppose you could say that between my insecurity and my church complex I feel like I'm a pretty big mess. Like at times my life and security have been destroyed. Burned down, if you will.
And I'm left somewhere in the heap of the ashes.
Yesterday and today when I went for my runs I was listening to a podcast by Tim Keller, the pastor at Redeemer Presbyterian Church in Manhattan and the man who is hailed as the C.S. Lewis of our day. It had to do with the "Our Father" of the Lord's prayer. Keller talked about how we often view our relationship with God as a business transaction. God is our Creator and our Savior.
Yet the Bible also talks about how we have been adopted.
We are His Children.
Keller makes the remark that the only person who dares to wake up the king in the middle of the night for a glass of water is the king's child.
He talks about how we are to petition God. He mentions men like Abraham and Moses who pushed and argued and begged.
As we sang "Our God" in church this morning I began to realize something.
I had come to the conclusion that insecurity and church frustrations would never go away. That I will always be as insecure as I am now and that I will always be guarded in church.
And because of this, I have not asked God to help me work through these issues as much as I should have.
I have been content to sit in my ashes, to look at the continual reminders of my hurt and pain.
But that is not what God has called me to do.
He wants to help me rise from the ash heap.
Have things happened that have helped to make me insecure? Have things happened that make my wary of certain things at church?
Yes.
Am I all of a sudden going to forget about those?
No.
And you know what, I probably never will.
But those things do not run my life.
Is everything going to be perfect now?
I wish!
There will still be times when I look back to the ruins. When I even, though it is twisted and even sick, wish for the familiarity of my ashes.
But I'm tired of being that person.
I'm tired of allowing frustration, offense, hurt, and rejection to run my life. I'm tired of allowing people and events in the past to have this much power over my life.
I want my life to be run by the One who knit me together. The One who knows me inside and out and loves me. My Creator. My Savior. My Father.
So here's to petitioning God. Here's to striving.
Here's to rising from the ashes.
...
...
...
The dramatic pause was so you could all applause, just so you know.
Yesterday I went for lunch with friends, and was then invited to another friend's house for appetizers and games. Which is where our story begins ;)
My job was to bring the wine last night. So prior to heading to my friend's place I stopped by the store.
Before going any farther, I should probably clarify that I don't drink that much or very often. I can count on two fingers the number of times I have bought alcohol for myself. I enjoy a glass of wine, but when I drink it, it is always bought for me.
Which created quite the dilemma for myself last night. What bottle was I supposed to get?
So while wandering the aisles attempting to look like the pro I am not, a woman (and the only other customer in the store at that point), strikes up a conversation with me. She tells me about the vineyards she visited with her husband this summer, how her husband is working that night, and that she just needs a bottle of good white wine to curl up with. I smile, nod in feigned understanding, and finally state that I have no idea what I'm looking for.
After announcing that she used to always drink red wine until menopause hit last year and reds started to disagree with her, she helped me find something to bring to my gathering.
The man in the line-up after me told me I had picked well :)
Which brings me to this morning. How, I'm not quite sure, but I couldn't think of any other way to make the transition!
So I went to church today. Shocking, I know.
I realized something last week, which I shared with you guys, about how I have some baggage in my life when it comes to the whole church situation.
Mr. Charming and I had a talk this summer about dealing with issues. How people often only want to deal with symptoms of their problems, and not with the problem itself.
For example, I have come to realize I am an incredibly insecure person. And to be honest, I would much rather just have people affirm me and tell me they love me when I feel insecure. I don't want to actually work at working through the insecurity.
But I need to.
I have had a church experience that has left me guarded and at times (more often than I care to admit) cynical. I would much rather go to church but remain guarded, wary, and continue to distrust those around me until such a time as I find a "good" church.
But I can't do that.
Once the music started this morning I knew I was in for it. There was no avoiding God.
The second song we sang was "Our God" by Chris Tomlin. The second verse goes:
"Into the darkness You shine,
Out of the ashes we rise,
There's no one like You,
None like You."
I suppose you could say that between my insecurity and my church complex I feel like I'm a pretty big mess. Like at times my life and security have been destroyed. Burned down, if you will.
And I'm left somewhere in the heap of the ashes.
Yesterday and today when I went for my runs I was listening to a podcast by Tim Keller, the pastor at Redeemer Presbyterian Church in Manhattan and the man who is hailed as the C.S. Lewis of our day. It had to do with the "Our Father" of the Lord's prayer. Keller talked about how we often view our relationship with God as a business transaction. God is our Creator and our Savior.
Yet the Bible also talks about how we have been adopted.
We are His Children.
Keller makes the remark that the only person who dares to wake up the king in the middle of the night for a glass of water is the king's child.
He talks about how we are to petition God. He mentions men like Abraham and Moses who pushed and argued and begged.
As we sang "Our God" in church this morning I began to realize something.
I had come to the conclusion that insecurity and church frustrations would never go away. That I will always be as insecure as I am now and that I will always be guarded in church.
And because of this, I have not asked God to help me work through these issues as much as I should have.
I have been content to sit in my ashes, to look at the continual reminders of my hurt and pain.
But that is not what God has called me to do.
He wants to help me rise from the ash heap.
Have things happened that have helped to make me insecure? Have things happened that make my wary of certain things at church?
Yes.
Am I all of a sudden going to forget about those?
No.
And you know what, I probably never will.
But those things do not run my life.
Is everything going to be perfect now?
I wish!
There will still be times when I look back to the ruins. When I even, though it is twisted and even sick, wish for the familiarity of my ashes.
But I'm tired of being that person.
I'm tired of allowing frustration, offense, hurt, and rejection to run my life. I'm tired of allowing people and events in the past to have this much power over my life.
I want my life to be run by the One who knit me together. The One who knows me inside and out and loves me. My Creator. My Savior. My Father.
So here's to petitioning God. Here's to striving.
Here's to rising from the ashes.
Isaiah 40:31
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