Adventurer's Log #6: Miss S Introduces her Class to Young Stalin

I will never forget the moment in my undergraduate degree when the prof of my class on totalitarian leaders (yes... I took a class on totalitarianism), flashed a picture of young Stalin on the PowerPoint.  Remembering what I pivotal moment that was for me (you know how it is when you realize that someone who came to represent so much evil was actually incredibly attractive in their youth), I decided that I would share the experience with my History 12 class.

I had prepared a lecture on the Russian Revolutions and Civil War.  My students were enthralled (or as enthralled as they could be).  And then I switched to the slide with this picture:

At this point one my boys asked me how this guy managed to curdle (yes, curdle), into the man we all recognize.

I had other high points with my History class this week too.

I assigned each student a different communist leader/figure.  They were in charge of researching that leader and their impact on communism.  I get to see their presentations tomorrow (I would be lying if I said I wasn't excited about this... I'm also introducing them to fascism tomorrow).  One girl became so fascinated with her specific leader (she is looking at Mao Zedong), that when doing an improvisation warm-up for her drama class, she did a scene involving communism... and proceeded to pretend she was Mao.

One of my grade 8 girls told her mom and that she can't wait to have me three times a day next semester (I guess I have to try to be meaner).

My English 10 class did a coffeehouse on Tuesday.  I brought in hot chocolate and some brownies, three other girls brought in baked goods, I wore a scarf and beret, set up a stool at the front of the class, and watched as my students began to read poetry in front of each other.

A not-so-thrilling part of the week was getting hit with the nasty cold that several of my students have been off from school with.  It hit Thursday.  I was in bed by 7:30 two nights in a row.  I was chilled.  My head hurt.  My chest hurt.  I was coughing.

Let's be honest.  I was pretty miserable!

But today I am feeling much better :)

I'm incredibly excited for the Thanksgiving weekend.  I get to see my family, some friends, and Mr. Charming is coming to visit.

It hasn't all been easy.  This was a long week with some long days due to meetings and such after school.  I'm a little scared my 4:30 wake-ups are beginning to catch up with me.  I'm realizing that some parts of life, like finding balance, finding a church, and just figuring out where I belong/fit in aren't going to be as easy as I would like them to be.  I'm realizing that I'm still dealing with baggage from my last church experience that I didn't think I would have to deal with.

That I tend to feel I shouldn't have to deal with.

I react to things church-related in a manner I'm not always proud of.

But God is still proving faithful.  Over the last few days, He has given me such an incredible picture of His love.

Sometimes I feel like I'm always being faced with my flaws.  I see all my imperfections.  I see the way I respond to things.  I see the battles that wage within me.

And they disgust me.

They repulse me.

Yes, at times, I repulse me.

I wonder why anyone wants to be around me.  Sometimes I wonder how anyone could love one so incredibly imperfect.

I was told the other day that I was loved for who I am.

Those words stopped me.

They stopped me because I know I don't deserve that kind of love.

I don't deserve grace.

Yet it is given to me.

I don't have to become perfect in order for God to love me.  I don't have to become perfect in order for Him to extend His grace and forgiveness my way.

He loves me.

And that love makes me want to be a better person.  It makes me want to throw off the imperfections, the things that hinder, and strive for perfection.

So here's to a week of communist leaders, fascism, and the realization that even a sinner like me is still loved.

Adventurer's Log #5: Miss S enters the Twilight Zone

I realized something today.

You know that idealistic representation of small towns that you will see on tv or read about in books?  That representation where the new person moves to a town and everyone stops to greet them and wants to know all about them?

Yeah.

I live in that town.

Pretty sure I have just walked into a tv show or entered one of those novels I read in my youth.

I have already described my church experience here and how friendly the congregation is.

Well today I had another mind-blowing-strangers-starting-conversations-with-me experience.

One of the teachers at my school invited me for coffee after work today (insert happy dance over the fact that I'm making friends here).  I got to the coffee shop a little bit before she did, ordered my drink (how can you say no to something called a "Peppermint Kiss"), and sat in a lovely, high-backed, wing-back chair to wait.

And all of a sudden the woman I ordered my drink from sat down across from me and proceeded to strike up a conversation.  We chatted for a few minutes, she asked what I did and what brought me to the Lake, and then left.

Seriously, I have never lived somewhere where people are so dang friendly!  I'm used to the town I spent the last few years where people would much rather avert their gaze in the grocery store and introduce themselves and start asking you about yourself.

I don't know if I'm ever going to get over this.

:)

In other news, I had a pretty incredibly week of teaching.  I left my English class on Wednesday with a headache.  And not because my kids were loud or their writing hurt me.

It was because they blew me away with their depth.

Seriously, if you could have read the poems they wrote or the analyses they wrote on poems your mind would have been blown.

To say I'm proud of them would be an understatement.

They are handing in a poetry anthology on Monday with a selection of other poems they have analyzed as well as some poems they wrote and analyzed themselves.  I have offered to provide feedback if they want it, and it has been incredible to watch their skill develop.  Did you know I have the deepest grade 10 class in the world? 

They amaze me.

We are actually having a coffeehouse on Tuesday.  They have agreed to read some of their poetry and I am bringing brownies and hot drinks.  I'm also wearing my beret and a scarf (and some of them have agreed to dress up too).

Or the fact that one of my History students came to talk to me about an assignment that same day and proceeded to tell me how much she appreciates my classes and the way I try to engage them?  That she really likes my teaching?

Now I know my weeks will not always be filled with experiences like this.  I do.

But that doesn't change the fact that it feels incredible.

I love my job.  When I teach I feel like I'm doing what I was made to do.  I don't mind getting up every morning (in fact, most mornings I'm up before my alarm goes off at 4:30).  I really don't mind being at the school my 5:45 in the morning (even if my school does look a little creepy in the dark).  And by 6:30 our volunteer maintenance/security guy (a really sweet, older, British gentleman), comes in to say hi and comment on my early morning.  Of course, I can only maintain these early mornings because I go to bed at the same time as Mr. Charming (which is just after 8:00 my time).

The point is, this has been a good week.  I rocked my cardigans (even received compliments on them), made some more friends, had my mind blown by my students, and am pretty excited for my coffeehouse next week.

This zany teacher is rocking her zaniness.

Adventurer's Log #4: Miss S becomes the Cardigan Queen

“I’ve got this.  You’re a student.  I’m working.”

Do you have any idea how badly I have longed to be able to say that?  In fact, saying “longed” doesn’t even begin to describe it.  I have spent the last few years (and especially this last year), DREAMING about what it would be like to say those words to my friends.

Yesterday I finally got to say that.

And it felt INCREDIBLE J

I got my first paycheque on Friday, and the result was a shopping trip to visit my sister a few hours away in a city that has a mall (and a mall with stores in it).  I got tired of my one pair of dress pants that don’t fit well and my tops that are worn and stretched out.  So I bought some new clothes.

And it was incredibly exciting.

And I’m now the Cardigan Queen (or so says the closet full of cardigan sweaters I now have).

I’m not saying having money solves all of your problems.  I still stress out and am still trying to keep myself on a pretty strict budget so I can put a fair bit of money into savings.

But it still felt pretty darn good to go shopping J

To be honest, I’m just feeling pretty darn good in general.  You know all of those insecurities and overwhelming feelings I was talking about in my last post?  Well they aren’t all gone, but I am definitely feeling better.  Last week I really felt like I hit my groove in my classes.

I found a way to reach my English 10 boys.  I showed them a picture of Mr. Charming’s cat, the infamous Mr. M, and had them write a poem about it.  They loved it.  I discovered my English class is full of incredibly poetic students and there is nothing more satisfying than pointing out the depth of their work to them and watching the pride that fills their faces.

I am thoroughly enjoying the fact that I had to confiscate the world from one of my students today.  He brought a globe to class.  Apparently the weight of it was too much.

Today was a pretty exciting moment for me.  On Mondays I have a double block of History 12, so my grade 12s are stuck with me for the whole afternoon.  One girl walked into the classroom, sat down at the table, threw her hands into the air and stated “Double block of History!  Whoo-hoo!”

Yup.

My class garnered a “Whoo-hoo!”

:)

I'm tired. 

But I'm also rather happy.

I love teaching.  And now that I'm over the initial shock and stress of being in a new place and away from those I love, I feel like I can throw myself into this.  I love trying to think of ways to make 20th century history come alive.  I love helping my students discover that poetry is not as scary as it may seem. I love interacting with my students.

I love my job.

So here's to another week of being the quirky teacher with the vast selection of colourful cardigans!

Adventurer's Log #3: Miss S is Overwhelmed at Church

You know that awkward moment when you step into a room full of people you don't know?  You feel kind of like the "uncool" kid in the school cafeteria.  You need to sit somewhere, but you don't know where to sit?  And you're aware that you're uncool, so of course you figure no one would want you to come sit with them?

Yeah, that's me :)

I walked to church this morning, stepped into the sanctuary and looked desperately around for somewhere to sit.  I didn't see anyone I knew (which makes sense since this was only the second time I had been to this church).  I spotted a completely empty pew and slid in.  I then proceeded to read the bulletin about five times, not wanting to look as lonely and insecure and so obviously "new" as I felt.

To be honest, you would think I should be an old hand at this new girl stuff.  I mean, I'm the person who went to nine different schools from Kindergarten to Grade 12.  I have lived in nine different villages/towns/cities (that isn't counting the fact that I have lived in some of those places as many as three times).  I have technically called twenty-two different residences home.  And I'm only twenty-seven.

If any one should be able to embrace the new kid persona and work it, it should be me.

Right?

You would think that.  But the fact is I haven't.  Life has been so transient for me over the last few years that it seems as if just when I'm getting ready to relinquish that role I move to a new place.

And that is really hard.

As I mentioned in my last post, I have been trying to adjust to the way my life is now.  And that is hard.

I had a dream last night that I woke up from crying.  I felt sick to my stomach and like my world had crashed around me.  I knew it was just a dream, but the last few hours of my sleep were restless as I tried to overcome that.  This meant I was drained before I even started my day.

I also decided to take yesterday off from schoolwork (if you call adjusting slightly my History 12 class for Monday not doing work).  I had family visiting.  I had to do my first trip to the Laundromat (which was strangely a lot of fun).  I decided that when I get lonely I just may have to go and do laundry--the lady working there was just so friendly!!!! 

But this meant I had stuff hanging over me to do today.  See, I like to overplan, and plan in advance, because then I can tweak and adjust my lessons as needed.  It was this tweaking that I needed to do.

The reason I tell you all of this is so that you know the frame of mind I am in when I go to church. 

If I were to be brutally honest, I was dreading going (and I really don't like admitting that).  But, for anyone who followed my Annals of a Christian Single blog, you know that church has held some struggles and difficulties for me.  For those who are new, suffice to say there has been hurt.  There has also been healing, but I'm afraid I am overly cautious, and sometimes very cynical, when I step into a church.

We were on the last song before the sermon when it felt like I was hit by a brick wall (I have been hit by these and legitimately know what this is like :) ).  I have discovered that I have this knack of not going to God when I get overwhelmed.  For some reason, it is like I forget that He is constant and faithful, and that my struggles are never overwhelming for Him.  Or maybe it is because going to Him means admitting to myself that I can't handle what I'm dealing with.  Since we're going with honesty, it is probably the latter.

The song was called "Overcome" and it was the only song we sang that I actually recognized.  The word "Overcome" really stuck with me.  See, that's how I have been feeling.  Like I'm overcome with everything.  It's not that teaching is too much for me, or that moving to a new place is too much, it's that I have this expectation of myself that I have to be perfect at everything right off the bat.  And because I know how completely flawed and imperfect I am, I'm overcome with knowledge that I will never attain those expectations.  I'm not going to be the perfect teacher who knows everything because this is only my second year teaching (and only my first year since actually finishing school). 

I've been overcome with the feeling that no one will really want to be my friend here.  I have become convinced that I'm the dorky, awkward, "uncool" kid in the school cafeteria.

And in one moment all of those overwhelming feelings were overcome with Someone else.  I honestly cannot remember the last time I felt the presence of God is such a real, tangible way.  But today I did.

It didn't stop there, though.  In the few minutes between when the kids were released for Sunday School and before the sermon, the pastor's wife got up from where she was sitting, found me, and sat with me.

The pastor's wife.

Sat with me.

Huh?

She wanted to introduce me to a couple sitting in the pew.  She wanted to make sure I could get connected to people.

She cared enough that she made a conscientious effort.

For me.

And how do I repay her?

You probably guessed it.

I burst into tears. 

You know what she did?

She listened.  She understood.  She prayed with me.  She gave me a hug.

She cared.

As I am writing this I'm about ready to start crying again.

I walked back home and prepared for what I thought was a mountain of planning that I would need to get through.  But guess what?  It wasn't all that big.  And now I'm done it.

Today, God took all of my feelings of defeat, of insecurity, of suffocation, and He overwhelmed them.  He overwhelmed all that has been overwhelming me.

I don't understand it.  I don't deserve it.  But I am ever so thankful for it.

So here's to another week.  A week of superheroes in poetry, of making friends, and of visiting the Laundromat.

Here's to a week of allowing God to continue to overwhelm all that threatens to overcome me.

Adventurer's Log #2: Miss S Attempts to Adjust

Well, the first week of school is now complete.

And I have to say, I'm exhausted.

But not in a bad way :)

The students didn't start until Wednesday, so I only spent three actual days with them, but I have to say I have found something to love about each class.  I have another English class full of gamers and lovers of epic movies (Miss S remains at least somewhat relevant).  I have a Social Studies class of kids eager to learn and please and embrace all that I tell them (talk about a scary amount of power).  I have a Cooking class that is still warming up to me but is starting to appreciate me and who I definitely appreciate back (they are going to be my challenging class, but not because of the students... because I have to teach cooking!).  And I have a History class that is engaged and so ready to discuss and question.

And I feel wholly inadequate!

But I am hoping that is just part of being a teacher.  I would be scared if I felt like I had everything figured out, because I know I never will.  And besides, if I had everything figured out I wouldn't have to be at the school before 6am.  What would I do with myself!

I wish I had some quirky, zany stories to share, but I'm afraid I don't.  All I can do is tell you that when I mentioned Lord of the Rings, I had a room full of students light up, their eyes going huge.  When I told a student to tell me more about the video games they play, and then proceeded to ask him questions about the style of game, his eyes held a mixture of awe, shock, and yes, even a little respect.

Of course all of this doesn`t mean I am super teacher.

I have had a couple of breakdowns this week.

Tuesday I just felt overwhelmed.  It was as if I would never get done everything that I needed to get done.  And I hate that feeling.

Wednesday I met my kids.  I went home.  And then the adrenaline wore off and I realized something.

I'm in new territory.  I'm not living somewhere I, or someone in my family, has lived before.  I'm not surrounded by numerous friends that I can call up at a moment's notice.  I'm still four provinces away from Mr. Charming.

I felt utterly alone.

And I know that I'm not.  I have made friends here and already have promises of social gatherings within the week (Miss S may actually develop a life... or at least  minor one).  I know I have people I can talk to.

There has just been a lot of change, and while it is good change, it still requires some adjusting.

And some trusting.  This was a pretty big door that was opened to me, and was a pretty big decision on my part to move here.

Now I just need to continue to trust that I am not alone in this.  That even at my loneliest, there is One who never leaves.

I can hardly wait to see what next week brings!